subject:doomed utterly
i cant escape this cycle of fucking everything up for myself i want to say "someone help me" "someone save me" but i know im the only one who can save myself since ive been bringing it upon myself. vile bile
subject:no place
i feel kind of doomed lately....
1. i keep trying and failing to change my appearance / presentation nd personality
2. i have no passion for things that would actually get people far in life ( i like coding, but i dont even have a particular passion for the kind used in computer science, i like html more; i enjoy writing but thats doomed and im not very good at it, same with art; i like history but not to the point of wanting to pursue a future in it; i like fashion but cant sew anything of value and my fashion sense isnt even anything profound, quite shit actually)
3.my grades are nothing special since im just another underachiever who managed to get into higher level classes
4.i dont have that many friends or even connections and im constantly taking issue with people plus im obnoxious and weird
5.i will probably suck at anything i get employed for if i do get employed since im neurotic and actually just kind of dumb
6.by the time i get the chance to go to college it'll probably be impossible for me to keep up with even paying for it (if i dont get a scholarship, which i probably wont because i dont have anything under my belt other than academics, see: underachiever) or even for me to get in because of my aforementioned disinterest in anything useful and the fact i genuinely have such a uninteresting life i would not even be able to come up with anything to lie about on college essays if i had the balls to
i am just like, an absolute nowhere ggirl. i will probably end up being a wageslave or some thing like that if i dont get my shit together . even then i will still be a disappointment to my parents anyways. such is the life of an ugly femcel zoomer
subject:shame
i dont know why its so embarrassing to admit im trying (and failing , hahaaa) to lose weight or that i work out ;; honestly, its probably because the way im doing it is not healthy and i dont enjoy revealing too much about the behaviours that come out of my mental problems or even revealing too much about my mental roblems in general to people. on the other hand though, i am offput by discussions about diets(normal like what people eat day to day and ones with the intent of losing weight) and wl even in passing and ithis ikely is because of my Issues but i like to think i feel like i do becsuse i am not of this earth and those things dont concern me hah ha
subject:virus
i did something really bad in my past life and that is why i was curse with being destined to be the neurotic thing i am i will escape this fate though.
subject:humorous
i keep getting the urge to isolate from / avoid my friends because i feel that they want me Dead, but then after doing so for 15 minutes i get worried they are going to start worrying about me which is Not Ideal , so i go back to normal for sort of the rest of the day rinse and repeat. its funny
subject:sexless 2
i have Issues already with feeling desired and desiring, and i have already identified as aromantic, so its not really that crazy that i now feel like saying i am asexual but in truth, i dont feel l am Actually.. i say i am because i just feel i am so repulsive As a Person, and so retarded, that i would be Incapable of carrying out a true Successful sexual or romantic relationship, and therefore Why Clarify that i feel attraction At All (￣﹃￣) i am able to get attached to people, and like 1 person Online who had Never Even Seen My Face confessed their love to me, but i am averse to online dating and that individual was Unstable. it doesnt really matter much, but ive for some reason been afflicted with the need to Categorize things once more..i should go back to being unlabelled honestly; much less annoying .
subject:n/a
i don:t know why i am still Weird about my gender despite claiming/trying to make myself nd others believe i don:t care if i:m perceived as a woman. its like, i really do not mind if people just see me as a woman or whatever and if they use she on me out of convenience, but referring to myself as one just isn:t right. i feel unworthy of thinking of myself as a woman i guess , which is why i:m most comfortable with they and why i decide to describe myself as "neutral" in gender. i don:t think this makes much sense to any one but me but, it's my blog so i don:t care =^o.o^=
subject:sexless
id really like to think my volcel / uninterested/ femcel additude is born solely from my aromanticism but if im being truthful it really does have to do with that whole self loathing + being objectively unattractive thing. as well as being a bit of a(n emotionally) stunted retard.. but it is alright. bless .