subject: slaacker
feeling: fu ll bladder
tunes: Satanicpornocultshop's arkhaiomelisidonophunikheratos

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uh. last entry was kinda gay... i dont really care though. any more. I started my husbando and oshi shrine today but i wont be finishing it because i need to work out. im too fat and i know the only one who can change it is me. its kind of cringe to blog about this sort of thing here, but it's whatever. my main goal is to ultimately weigh less than my darling len, which is really ambitious because he's like, 105 pounds or something. 
i dont consider myself to have anorexia because i dont particularly care for starving in a way that matters i dont have the masochism required for that LOLLL and im kind of a hedonist with a binging problem. i dont know, if you had to label it as Something like That itd be ednos, but even then i dont think i really suffer enough for that. the only true and real requirement i have is body dysmorphia, but not really ebcasue i am in fact fat. 
anyways....i have a month / 3 weeks to get rid of the fupa and to do that i need to fix my schedule and stop SLACKING !!!!!!!!!! ugh! it is very trouble some. ive already started on my habit of doing homework in school again, which is no good. 

 other than that depressing, lame, stuff, nothing really happened recently of note... i started keepin up with oasis again and im glad the incest is still going as strong as possible... liams clinginess and noel's willingness is so hawte... i need these old guys to kiss on stage again... please? as a treat? lel
 
 also, im going to start playing enstars again for nazuna's new cards. thats it. nazunii is love nazu nii is life. i dont have any other coherent thoughts for now so i am going to peace out. xx
        

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07:03 pm

subject: morally reprehensible girl
feeling: noided
tunes: bo en - my time

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this entry will be a quick one because i really jjust need to get to bed but the fact that my repulsivity keeps being confirmed is just a sort of...darkly humorous thing, i guess. i dont know how else to phrase it. i suddenly got really paranoid and upset today over nothing .......also the dysmorphia........ and freaked out to a lot of people, which was kind of lame and cringe ;; i'll probably be over it tomorrow but idk. i feel like i gained an absurd amount of weight, and that i will gain more again today because i binged, and as a result feel quite grotesque, on top of already feeling like im actually a horrible person

i didnt even look at anything that wouldve triggered me feeling like a danger to everyone, i just started feeling like scum out of no where after trying to purge and i dont knoooooow its just really depressing i guess !!!!!! and its even more pathetic because its over something so inconsiquential , that being fucking shipcourse. who am i. some turd who gets worked up over people talking shit because She Ship Bad. i try not to care too much because i don't really like bothering to waste my time with people who get anal over that type of thing, but the fact i've lost friends over to so much is just disheartening. its par for the course for a zoomie chan who has friends involved in fandom, but i think it sorta spurred on my meltdown . all of my paranoia just keeps getting confirmed and this entry is scattered and not even really pitiful. who wouldve guessed that people would ditch me for being a freak! ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ 

thios should go in the diay, but i don't feel like updating it and am proabbly just going to remove it and sperg as sparingly as i can here about things like this going forward? dunno. in other news, i decided to make a spreadsheet of my male attractions / fixations yesterday and realized that a considerable amount of them were slavs/of slavic descent. maybe its a sign.
        

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10:16 pm

subject: kill everything with a penis........
feeling: agitated
tunes: strawberry switchblade's self titled album

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hello blawg ~♪ today i think i'm really just going to rant... but before that, about my day so far 〜(￣▽￣〜)

today was my first day back in classes, and it was prettay alrite, nothing really upsetting. i forgot how hot my school was and was sweating before the first bell, which was kind of icky. it reminded me of my recent weight gain more than before ahahahahhahahaa. ill try not to think about it too much, since i plan to work out and do my cardio after this entry. 

...now to my rant (✿◠‿◠)
i'm tired of placating male gendies. thats it in its simplest form. ive been peaked for quite a few months since my discovery of radical feminism and getting over my sort of nlogism that led to me identifying as everything but Just A Woman, and while i remain friends with ftms because theyre nice to hang with outside of the gendershit and im polite enough to continue using their pronouns, i'm entirely through with the males. today a friend said to me, when referring to a theymab, that he "didnt count" in the discussion of me saying "kill everything with a penis..." which i couldnt help but be displeased at. i didnt say straight up  that "he is still a man," because i'm Sort Of crypto (can this be used even if im not really a "terf" by virtue of not being That into radical feminism, though i agree with the gender crit ideas and fundementals..?), but i did say that he was still included in the discussion, because, of course he is.??
Also when referring to a mtf/"genderfluid" tim, this same friend said they thought he was a Butch Lesbian, and i again shut that down because he was an aggressive manlet with a full on beard who was weird to Actual lesbians. once, before i peaked, (which was in part due to being around him, honestly,) i was talking to him about how i wanted to approach a girl and he said "like yuri?" This was one of the first times i became irked by him, for obvious reasons. he was one of those people who would constantly say "wuh luh wuh" and froth about butches as well, so you can kind of get a picture.

i really wish my friends would peak entirely with mtfs and theymabs , 1. because im tired of having to be "respectful" about it, and 2. they just suck, honestly. im not going to pretend that this guy with dick and balls is a woman or otherwise.  Get A Grip. i dont really know how id even bring it up in a normal conversation to start making them see that tims are repulsive, or at least to start making them stop discussing their greasy asses around me lol. I feel like i'm , even if indirectly, clear about my distaste for tims but I guess not clear enough. i don't know. it's tiring sometimes but with my interests and general presentation, I don't think i'm escaping it any time soon. 

In other news, i've succumbed to xlistener audios again, but i really cant get behind anything other than the guys i already liked. the other guys all seem to either sound cringe or fat. or they give me the ick in some other way. can a sister get cute aniki audios without scrotetier fetishes, bad dialog, and ugly voices...? please....? 
probably not 〒▽〒 
thats all for today, i need to go work out and then get to bed. maybe my next entry will be more positive (´。＿。｀) peece out xx
        

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07:08 pm

subject: whats da story
feeling: skippy
tunes: goreshit - goretrance x (serbian fuckboy edition)

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its been a while... again!!! i havent worked on my site in so long, i forgot how fun it was ◑v◐ ill try to write an entry every day for the rest of this month, and maybe start posting them like... weekly? something like that. its nice to finally have the main pages done and have them actually look cute ^_^ resource carrds have been a godsend, honestly (✿◕‿◕✿)

stuff ive done recently... ive cleaned out my closet, finally set my dolls back up (they were on my desk for A While because i was too lazy to restyle their hair, lol), and finished carmilla, matchstick men by eric garcia , as well as bunny by mona awad. 

with carmilla, i wasn't particularly as moved by it as i thought i'd be? i wasnt really a fan of the ending either, but it was still an alright read. 
matchstick men was kind of fucking devastating, like a punch in the face. it started falling off near the end for me with the whole dad-daughter thing because i dont care for those dynamics really. i didnt really like the whole "angela fixed his ocd...wow..." thing, but i dont have it so i dont really think i have a say in that. i also thought frankie and roy were pretty shippable. i can never abandon my trash-fujoshi-ness , but to be fair frankie set off my "uke that needs to be punished" meter to the max. i guess they're not as shippable in the movie or something though, because when i checked for fics there was only like 3 (´。＿。｀)
and lastly, bunny... i didnt really care for the ending of this one either (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) it was interesting in part one, but the writing is juvenile throughout and it increases as it goes on, which i suppose is kind of fitting for the character the story is being told through (￣_￣|||)still threw me off thoo... parts 2 and 3 were a slog and i figured out the twist before the end, which is disappointing
i also re-read the outsiders because It Was There and because of my cringe ass brocon ways i kinda thought ponyboy was shippable with soda and darry hahahha....i also think itd be cute as pony's onesided pining too.. also dallas/johnny is cute/heartbreaking.

in other news, i'm also de-spotifying myself because i do, in fact, want a break from the ads, lmfao. also, the internet is deteriorating so rapidly + spotify's business practices are seemingly so shit that it wouldn't be shocking if it went down(´･ω･`)
i've only really downloaded my library on my laptop, since i can still use soundcloud on my phone i guess. i'll get around to just downloading my favorite albums on my phone or something like that i guess. i really need to back up my laptop files

thats all for now, i think. peece out x
        

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01:00 pm